Attachment is something that terrifies me. I suppose you could say that I am a commitment-phoebe. I'm afraid to put a lot of myself into something, because I always end up alone. Granted recently it was partially me who broke down. I'm terrified that I'm breaking down again, and I don't want to break down here.
It's like manning a ship, only there's no wheel or sail to use as guidance. All there is is the mercy of the social environment. It's very frustrating trying to put oneself back together again. People don't always see the way a person is flailing and floundering, struggling to find a hand hold in the turmoil. Instead they often accept the masks a person wears at face value.
It's a rare person that can see past the shell, and realize how much someone else hurts inside. But these people do exist. If you find someone that can see past the walls you hide behind, don't let them go. It's a rare gift to make a friend like that who truly cares about you.
Reality is a cruel place. It's usually the place that programs or personalities and expectations when we go into Second Life. I know that I try to fill a void by paying sl. But... it hasn't worked out that well so far. There's still an empty place inside, even though I try to pretend there isn't. Sometimes it feels bigger than at other times. Sometimes i even think I've managed to get rid of it.
I have realized that the more people I intertwine my existence with, the more erratic the feeling gets. It becomes unpredictable, the highs and lows becoming unbalanced. I wonder if me enjoying the time I spend with my friends is part of it, or if it's the weather... or if it's other factors all together. After all....reality isn't such a great friend of mine atm. oh well.
sorry. ~_~ that's all I care to write about this for now.
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