Reality Bites

I play two characters online in a game called Second Life. One character I have set up as being my own variation of a goblin. The other character is a dragon. But behind both of them is the same pair of eyes, the same mind, and the same miseries. I play up to being a happy go lucky being, but those closest to me, know that's not always the truth.

The truth is that reality bites. Underneath everything I try to project, the happiness, and the fun, I'm not entirely a happy person. The whole point of me playing Second Life is to escape reality. I get to wear a mask and be something I can only ever dream of being. I can go places and explore versions of the world, that were or may never be. This eases my rl frustration at being stuck where I am.

Escapism, the one thing that I really have left. I know it isn't a healthy thing. I know that it isn't a permanent solution. But for now it does what I need. What worries me most though, is what happens when it doesn't anymore? What is there to do?

Reality is hard to control, and I don't like who I am. I've tried changing, but it doesn't do much good. Second Life gives me some control so I feel like I am in charge of something in my life. I may not make anything out of myself, I may never even really be happy for long. But those few moments, when I can feel it, when true joy fills me. Makes it worth the misery.

I kinda wish that there was something in my real life that worked better than sl. I need something that distracts me, and challenges me, and gives me a creative outlet. Unfortunately most of the arts require some sort of monetary investment and that's not really something that I have available either. But I do have Second Life at my fingertips. I can go into either of my lives and talk to my friends and explore the world.

But is it going to be good for me in the long run? People look at me odd when I say I'm a goblin, or a dragon. But I don't see how it's any different than anything else one might be.But that's the escapist in me. More than anything I want to be anywhere but where I am. But I can't see where I have left to go, let alone how I can get there.

Oh, well... c'est la vie.